I dont know what, if i did anything wrong. i do know i love her with every ounce of blood in my body, and cant help but to shed tears while writing this. i wasn't being a jerk! I just wanted her to believe me,to trust me and to to be with me in the final moments of our night. Some people think our relationship wont last, but i cant believe that...... i wont believe that, because the love i have for her is what fuels me to brave every day of my life. How do i tell her that she has been the light, the beams of enlightenment i always wanted to guide me to true happiness.  I dont like being upset with her, but sometimes i feel sick, when she gets upset for something that is no fault of mine.  I dont want to lose her, but if that is what is going to make her happy, then ill sacrifice my emotions, my heart...... and even my life for her.  i have never allocated so much of my life to anyone else, but i would do it over and over and over....... because she is "the one"!!! How do i turn the sadness off?

One day i walked into my house and SAW a beautiful woman! Little did i know i was going to fall in love with her in the near future. We began texting and hanging out from time to time. Parties that she attended at my place became more fun and interesting. One night she came to my rescue with a bag of pretzels to quell my upset stomach.(Blame it on the alcohol) There was conversation about life, friends, and past relationships. I laid back and listened with an open mind. That was the night we made a connection. Even though we had not spent much time together at this point, i felt we developed a mutual respect and trust for each other in those hours. We became closer and closer in the next few weeks. I wanted, no needed to spend time with her! Circumstances did not allow us much time together, but i enjoyed every moment that we did have. Over time i come to realize that my feelings for her were more then just friendly. I wanted to be with her, to hold, to touch, to kiss her. One night i let her know how i felt. I was overjoyed when she confided in me the feelings were mutual. We went forth with these feelings down the rocky path path that we knew was ahead of us. There were tough times(my birthday) and there were great times(our first date), but we have managed to out last the gritty, windy, jagged road. Now our relationship has blossomed into a beautiful boutque(roses) of love. We spend day after day together unhindered and happy. At times we argue, but our committment, care, and love for each other always finds us back. MacKenzie Laine Pitcher if you are reading this i want you to know that you are my first true love in this life! I love you with all my heart and am thinking of you all the time! Your favorite holiday soon approaches and i can only excited and optimistic about what the future holds for us.

Things have only been getting better. We have had so many great times in the month of October.  Haunted houses and corn mazes.  We just recently went to a party that seemed to be pre-destined to bring us even closer together in our relationship.  I got to meet, enjoy, and talk with the people she hold dear to her.  Those are things that are special and will remain with me.  I look forward to the next time we do it again.  I just want you to know baby, you are the driving force that wakes me in the morning.  You are my rock! You are my everything!  Sorry I'm a slob.  

I feel like i keep unintentionally hurting her more and more.  I mean, thats the last thing in the world i would want to do, like literally i would rather be kicked by a horse.  She is so forgiving, understanding, and caring.  I know it takes a huge toll on her physically, emotionally and mentally, and i just don't want that to happen to her.  Its so unfair to her.  Im really trying to fix myself, but its not easy.  I tell myself over and over its not going to happen anymore, stop it, let go!!  Although, the problems keeps rearing its ugly face. Im seriously starting to think i have a lot of mental issues.  She really just deserves better.  Im going to look into clinical help.  I need to work these things out, if not for me, then for her.  She finds ways to stick with me and resolve things.  We always end on a positive note and she truly loves me too.  I have to change or im just going to lose her.  This is the inevitable truth i have come to realize, and if i don't than i have to accept letting her go, so she can be happy!   She deserves true happiness, why should i be in the way of that?